Two-gun Sue, the Buckaroo
A Real, True, Genuine Christmas Crime Story*
Two-gun Sue, the Buckaroo,
Was totin’ her Christmas six-shooters;
And being as quick on the draw, as ever you saw,
She never mollycoddled no looters!
In the heart of the West, pinned to her chest,
Was a tin star that made her the law;
And no ne’re-do-well, nor vermin, pray tell,
Ever got away with nothin’ at all.
‘Twas Christmas day and atop the sofa she lay
Looking down on the valley behind
Where a villainous dude, evil and rude,
Crouched, hiding, while planning some crime.
But two-gun Sue, the Buckaroo,
Had watched a lot of wild-west shows
Where the butt of a gun is seldom undone
For taming rustlers and hustlers and bros!
In a flash, she cleared leather and put it together
Square on the back of his head;
And the scoundrel was laid, flat as a mackerel fileted,
“By the long arm of the law,” as it’s said.
Then down with a lurch, she dropped from her perch
When the Justice of the Peace walked in
Looking for her son, the son of a gun,
Who lay pistol whipped therein!
Oh, the scene was grievous, though mischievous,
Until the bandito slowly opened his eyes;
And there stood Sue, wearing her Clara Barton cap too,
Ready to nurse his goose egg on the rise.
Such is the story of our heroine in her glory,
And the Christmas six-guns she’s never seen since—
Permanently lost or spectacularly tossed
By her dad over the back-forty fence.
Yes, that was the day, the townsfolk all say,
When the Buckaroo turned over a new leaf
By abandoning the law for a medical call
Which brought the neighborhood a lot of relief….
By
James N. Zitzelsberger
©2017
*Authors Note
This story was relayed to me by a close friend who maintains that the essential elements of the hide-and seek-game are all true. As such, in the finest Sergeant Friday/Dragnet tradition, her name was changed to protect the guilty and any detours from her testimony are strictly mine, being made under the auspices of poetic licensure.
